Roger Collier

T he taxi driver reaches the third chapter of his life story before he starts the meter. Boy, can this guy talk. He used to be a singer. He used to be on a television show. Next come bits about his family, about reuniting with old bandmates for a tour, about his favourite local pub, about his favourite local beer. He packs more narrative in a 10-minute cab ride than J.R.R. Tolkien does in 1,000 pages.

Not that I mind. He is as entertaining and friendly as a person could be. Of course, this comes as no surprise. I am in Newfoundland, after all. Newfoundlanders are renowned for their friendliness, and the reputation is well-deserved. But not all Newfoundlanders are friendly. In fact, I know one person born and bred on the Rock who had his friendly gene extracted at birth. That person is me

It's not easy being an unfriendly Newfoundlander. Whenever I tell people where I'm from, they usually say something like, "Hey, I love Newfoundland! The people there are so friendly." I then feel pressure to morph into a gregarious charmer and regale them with funny stories. Instead, I dis-charm them with stony silence.

But it's not my fault. I didn't ask to be born an introvert. And just because I'm bad at chatting up strangers doesn't mean I'm a bad guy. I have good traits. I'm tall. I'm not a carrier of any infectious disease (that I know of). I only speed when I have to get somewhere really, really fast. And I never lie. Well, I lie sometimes, but only when I don't want people to know the truth.

Still, this unfriendliness thing does bother me sometimes. I can't help but feel I'm letting my home province down. When I meet someone who has never visited Newfoundland, I become, in effect, the face of Newfoundland. And though that face is extremely handsome, it is not a friendly face. But perhaps it's not too late to change that.

Can a 37-year-old, disease-free, partially honest man learn to be friendly? No harm in trying. If only there were some vast network of stored knowledge on random topics that I could tap into for help. Anyway, let's see what Google says.

A query for "how to be friendly" nets me 6.7 million hits. Jackpot. I'm feeling friendlier already. The top result, from wikiHow, lays out a five-step process.

Step 1: Smile to let people "know you care."

Step 2: Make small talk and always be"prepared with something to say during a silence."

Step 3: Stick to positive topics because nobody "likes hearing how awful your life is."

Step 4: Try to laugh at unfunny jokes and you'll "notice you actually laugh more naturally."

Step 5: Break bad habits because honesty suffers when "you're hiding awful habits that you are ashamed of."

The article concludes with some additional tips, including this golden nugget of wisdom: "When someone else asks how you are, ask them in return. For example:

Person: Hi, how are you?

Person: Great, thanks."

I can't believe someone is giving that away for free. Being a diligent researcher, I keep digging and find succeedsocially.com, which suggests that you become friendlier by spending more time with people.

"If when you normally see your friends, you leave after a few hours, try spending all day with them," the website recommends. "If you usually keep to yourself at work, and only talk to people on break, try spending time with your co-workers a little more during the workday." In summary: overstay your welcome during social visits and gossip at the office during working hours.

I get a chance to put my newly acquired knowledge into practise after my trip to Newfoundland ends, during the plane ride back to Ottawa. We stop briefly in Halifax and a man in a fancy suit boards the plane and plops down next to me.

"Coming from Newfoundland?" he asks.

"Yes," I say, looking up from my novel. Now it's my turn to ask a question. Where is he going? How long is he staying? What is his line of work? I realize, however, that I would rather read than learn irrelevant tidbits about a person I'll never see again. So I turn back to my book and don't say another word.

My friendliness experiment ends in epic failure. It appears I will forever remain an unfriendly son of a friendly land. I blame the Internet.