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Google, as everyone this side of the earth's crust knows, is the popular search engine that two Stanford University graduate students created so that 13-year-old boys could have instant access to 97,400 pictures of Jessica Alba. I have discovered, however, a second use: to play EGOoogle. Here's how you play: Google your name to find others that share it, then, using whatever criteria you deem fit, compare yourself to a random moniker-mate and award a point to the superior "you." If, after 10 rounds, your total is higher than the combined score of your alter ego-oogles, you win. To illustrate, here's the transcript from my last game: Player: Roger Collier, EGOoogle creator * Roger Collier No. 1: Fictional character in novel The Two Faces of Dr. Collier From what I can gather, Made-up Roger is an alcoholic and cheats on his wife. There's no debate here: I may not be a doctor, but, at the very least, I'm morally superior to the fictitious philandering physician. (I'm also better at alliteration.) One point for me. * Roger Collier No. 2: Techie guy Techie Roger posted the following on a digital editing message board: "Heath, are you saying Vegas 5 cannot capture directly from our HD cams with the Connect HD software from CineForm?" I have no idea what that means, but I do know this: Techie Roger is a huge nerd. Being a nerd of lesser proportions, I find myself superior. One point for me. * Roger Collier No. 3: Chair of an American college's finance department Professor Roger is obviously much smarter than me. His interests include derivative securities and hedging techniques, whereas mine include Internet obscurities and wedgie techniques. One point for other Roger Colliers. * Roger Collier No. 4: Technology co-ordinator and office manager, Collier Law Nepotism Roger "works closely with the firm's clients to ensure they get personal attention and excellent results." Translation: I play an ambiguous role and only got this job because my mother owns the firm." One point for me. * Roger Collier No. 5: President of the Friends of the San Juans Activist Roger heads a group whose mission is: "To protect the land, water, sea and livability of the San Juan Islands" in the state of Washington. Gosh, that's a noble pursuit. I don't think I can compete with that. And I've never been the president of anything, although I once saw a guy who looked like Bill Clinton buying beef jerky at the gas station near my house. One point for other Roger Colliers. * Roger Collier No. 6: Author of book All of Us: The Trials of One Affect Us All The sales rank for writer Roger's book on Amazon.com is: none. That's not much better than it was yesterday, when it was: none. (Writer Roger: Perhaps it's time to click on the "improve your sales" link.) No points awarded. * Roger Collier No. 7: Home Loan Expert Dodgy Roger is listed on a website called "The Women's Council of Realtors." The following is written next to his name: Not a realtor. Dodgy Roger and I have a few things in common besides our name: We are both neither women nor realtors. A major difference, however, is that I didn't post my name on that website. One point for me. * Roger Collier No. 8: College student College-boy Roger appears to be demonstrating some sort of software to his classmates. He's wearing denim shorts and is scratching his arm pit. This guy is a total ... wait a second -- that's me. This is from my university's website. No points awarded. * Roger Collier No. 9: Partner in large international law firm. Lawyer Roger has "acted for a variety of high-profile clients." That sounds impressive. I once acted like a orangutan to entertain my daughter, but she rated my performance as so-so. But lawyer Roger is wearing a discount rack blazer, and I have much nicer hair. No points awarded. * Roger Collier No. 10: Director of communications, College of Wooster. The name of the college's newspaper is the Wooster Voice. Or, as it is often referred to, Cock-a-doodle-doo. Until Wooster Roger gets a job at a school with a less silly name, I win. One point for me. Game Over. Me: 5 points. Other Roger Colliers: 2 points. Now that you know how it works, you, too, can play EGOoogle. If you have an unusual name, though, you may have difficulty finding 10 other people that share it. This won't be a problem, however, if your name is Free Viagra. |