Roger Collier

I sadore Houlihan is a bad, bad man. Am I saying that only because he's my political rival in the Ontario riding of Plinko-Syntax? No, not all. The upcoming federal election (vote for Collier!) has nothing to do with it.

I don't care about furthering my career in politics. I care only about the people in my riding, who are good and hard-working, according to my speech writer. I'm exposing the ugly truth about Houlihan because my greatest fear is that Plinko-Syntax, an area I've visited several times, will fall into his evil, hairy-knuckled hands.

Here are a few things you should know about Isadore Houlihan:

He hates poor people. Houlihan has never actually said he detests Canadian citizens who live in poverty. At least, not explicitly. Of course, he has never said he doesn't hate poor people, either. What are we to believe? The thing he didn't say, or the other thing he didn't say? We can't read minds, Mr. Money Lover.

He hates dry towels.

He hates sick people. Before entering politics, Houlihan was a doctor for 25 years. Why did he abandon his medical career to become a slimy politician? His campaign manager would have us believe it's because Houlihan wants to improve the health-care system. Or maybe it's because he despises patients and their filthy diseases. Who can say for sure?

He hates the top part of muffins.

He hates old people. Perhaps you've noticed that Houlihan's grandparents never make appearances at his campaign events. Why is that? The newspaper that published his grandparents' obituaries would have us believe it's because they both died more than 20 years ago. Or maybe it's because Houlihan just doesn't enjoy the company of elderly folk. If he treats his own dead grandparents that way, do you really think he gives a crap about your wrinkly, decrepit grandparents?

He hates clean drinking water.

He hates children. In his spare time during his medical career, Houlihan wrote several popular books on Canadian history. History is about the past. Does that mean Houlihan hates the future? And since our children are our future, does that mean he also hates children? His own children (five biological, eight adopted) would have us believe otherwise. But I'll let you do the math.

He hates red mittens.

He hates hockey. Houlihan likes to preach about the virtues of physical fitness, and he practises what he preaches. Last year, he ran three marathons. But do you know what he wasn't doing while running those marathons? Watching hockey. I guess Canada's favourite sport is not good enough for one Isadore Houlihan.

He hates iconic Canadian restaurants. During a recent photo op in a Plinko-Syntax Tim Hortons, Houlihan was offered a peanut butter cookie. But he refused to eat it. Why? His medic alert bracelet would have us believe it's because he is severely allergic to peanuts. Or maybe Houlihan prefers caviar to the wholesome baked goods made fresh daily at Canada's favourite doughnut shop. Enjoy your fish eggs, Dr. Fancy Palate.

He hates YouTube singing sensations.

He hates Canada. In 1992, Houlihan took his 13 children to Florida for a week-long vacation at Disney World. Oh, was that the week Canada closed all its parks and beautiful vacation spots? No, in fact, it wasn't. Does Houlihan favour U.S.-style politics like he favours U.S.-style amusement parks? Maybe he doesn't. Then again, maybe he does.

He hates comfortable shoes.

He hates families. On his Facebook page, Houlihan lists his favourite books, movies and television shows. Noticeably absent from that list? The book The Swiss Family Robinson. The movie Tyler Perry's Madea's Big Happy Family. The television show The Partridge Family. Draw your own conclusions.

He hates good manners.

He hates justice. Last week, two teenagers were arrested for trashing Houlihan's campaign headquarters. Instead of pressing charges, he let them walk free. Why? The police would have us believe it's because the two 13-year-old boys were mere pawns in a plan orchestrated by Houlihan's chief political foe, Roger Collier. Or maybe it's because Houlihan is soft on crime. My lawyer has advised me not to comment further on this topic.

He hates attack ads and would rather focus on policy than on disparaging the character of his political opponents. I mean, seriously, can you believe this guy? What a loser.

He hates Celine Dion's music. Well, maybe he's not a total loser.