Roger Collier

T hank you for purchasing The Elements of Bile, the foremost text on grammar for Internet commenters.

Thousands of web enthusiasts have improved the quality of their vitriolic slander and uninformed rants by following the information contained in these pages. After reading it, you will be able to insult people in concise, vigorous prose. After all, if something is worth saying, it is worthy saying nastily -- and, of course, anonymously.

1. Use a colon after an independent clause to introduce a list of personal insults about a columnist with whom you disagree.

Example: You read a column in which the author argues that soft drinks should not be sold in elementary schools because they are contributors to childhood obesity.

Incorrect comment: "I can think of other sugary foods that should be limited in children's diets: chocolate bars, ice cream and candy."

Correct comment: "hey JERK! ... who made you boss of the world?!? There are 3 reasons why your column is uber-lame: your a loser communist, you have the reasoning skills of a drunk squirrel and, oh yeah, your an MORAN!"

2. Omit needless words to produce succinct, direct writing about how you hate or are indifferent to everything.

Example: You read an article by a music critic who claims the Rolling Stones are superior to the Beatles.

Incorrect comment: "I also like the Rolling Stones -- who doesn't? -- but the Beatles have, in my humble opinion, influenced popular music far more than any other band, including the Stones."

Correct comment: "The Beatles? Hacks. The Stones? Meh. You suck."

3. A verb form can be singular or plural but must agree with the number of the subject in sentences that bash children, disabled people or victims of crime.

Example: You read an essay in which the author describes the struggles of raising a child with a learning disability.

Incorrect comment: "The trouble with learning disabilities in children is that they often go undiagnosed until high school."

Correct comment: "The biggest problem with dumb BRAT kids is their whiny parents!

"Everybody has problems ... GET OVER IT!!"

4. Use an em-dash to set off an abrupt break or interruption and to introduce a negative stereotype of people with political views that differ from your own.

Example: You read an article about a rally in Alberta for a candidate for the federal Conservative party.

Incorrect comment: Got to hand it to those Conservatives -- sure do get behind their candidates.

Correct comment: "Gr8, a bunch of Harper lovers -- hello gun-toting, right-wing nut jobs!"

5. Place a comma after a conjunction introducing an independent clause that derides a weekly columnist whom, despite your incredible contempt for him or her, you still read every week.

Example: You read a column by a sports writer who predicts that the Ottawa Senators are about to go on a hot streak.

Incorrect comment: "I'm not so sure about that. The Senators' defence has been weak, and their offence has also been pretty bad."

Correct comment: "HACK!!! Every week you write the same old crap, and every week I lose 10 minutes of my life that I can never get back!

"My dog knows more about hockey than you!"

6. Use a semicolon, not a comma, to join two independent clauses in a compound sentence that nitpicks about a minor point of grammar and totally ignores the content of an article.

Example: You read a 10,000-word article by an investigative journalist who spent nine months digging up evidence of corruption at city hall.

Incorrect comment: "I have always been skeptical of overly ambitious politicians; they care more about cronies than constituents."

Correct comment: "In the seventh paragraph on the third page, you use the verb "was" in a subjunctive clause; it should be "were." The only injustice I see here is your abuse of the English language."

7. Use commas to enclose parenthetical expressions that have nothing to do with newspaper articles on which you are commenting.

Example: You read an article about the results of a municipal election in Toronto.

Incorrect comment: "I am glad that Toronto, the city I call home, has elected a mayor with integrity."

Correct comment: "the big smoke? more like the big JOKE! hahaha! The Leafs, who are worse ever btw, are gonna come in last this year!"