Roger Collier

I entered university in 1992, a time when people wore two-legged pants and drove cars with wheels. If I had known then what I know now, I would have known that there would eventually be 17 versions of Law & Order on television.

Speaking of television, have you ever noticed that new shows begin airing the same time that new university students begin arriving on campus?

On the surface, television programming appears to have no relationship to post-secondary education. If you look below the surface, you will still find they have nothing to do with each other.

But for the purposes of this column, let's say they do, because I have already written two paragraphs and don't want to start over. When I began university, I had no idea what degree I wanted to pursue. I eventually settled on electrical engineering, and I have now worked in that profession for approximately none of my adult life. If only I had watched more television during high school.

Television dramas can teach youth more about what careers in various fields are really like than any book, parent or teacher. Before spending tens of thousands of dollars to enter a profession, a high school student should watch TV shows that feature characters who work in that profession. The best fiction, after all, is a reflection of real life, except with more vampires.

But young people today are too busy to watch television dramas. There are only so many hours in the day (fewer than 25), and teenagers can't afford to waste time in front of the tube when there are video games to play, Facebook statuses to update and music to download illegally.

So as a service to you, young person who won't see this because you don't read newspapers, I will use the rest of this column to summarize what I have learned about several professions from years of watching television. No need to thank me. Your cash gifts are all the thanks I need.

Doctor: From shows such as ER, Grey's Anatomy and House, I have learned that a person must possess three traits to be a good doctor. You have to be young, you have to be slim, and you have to be attractive. It also helps if you are promiscuous, because you will have affairs with every doctor in your hospital, as well as several nurses and paramedics.

You must be stubborn, too. If a patient dies on the operating table, you must continue to do chest compressions while tearfully shouting "Don't you die on me!" until another doctor touches your arm and says, "It's over." Also, you must be able to think outside the box, because all your patients will have mysterious illnesses and only you will be able to determine the correct diagnoses, though never before 10:55 p.m.

Computer programmer: Numerous TV shows have taught me that prerequisites to employment in any computer-related industry include unattractiveness, virginity and eyeglasses. It is also important that you have a good memory so you can quote lines from Star Wars.

Lawyer: If you want to be a defence lawyer, you must be slimy and immoral because all your clients will be guilty. If you want to be a criminal prosecutor, you must be noble and passionate. Also, you must be skilled in the art of making defendants break down in tears (or explode in anger) and admit guilt. If you are a woman and want to be a lawyer, you must possess the ability to look like a supermodel.

Regis Philbin: Don't even bother trying to enter this profession. There is only one job and the same guy has had it for 80 years.

Police officer: To be a good cop, you must be a loose cannon who doesn't play by the rules. When the police chief, who will be wearing suspenders, pulls you off a case, you must agree but secretly solve it anyway. Driving and shooting skills are a must, because you will be involved in high-speed car chases and shootouts every day.

Serial killer: The show Dexter has taught me that if you want to be a productive serial killer and still be likable, you must be handsome, witty and only kill people who do bad things, such as hurt puppies or jaywalk.

Accountant: Sorry, can't help you with this one. There hasn't been an accountant on primetime television since NBC cancelled Law & Order: Income Tax Unit.