Roger Collier

Y ou love the iPod nano. You dig the iPod touch. You adore that other iPod we sell -- you know, the shiny one with the buttons. Get ready to fall in love again. Introducing the iPod subcu, the world's first subcutaneous media player.

Never misplace or forget your iPod again! The iPod subcu is the size of a grain of couscous and is injected under the skin using a hypodermic needle. Sound scary? Don't worry! Doctors have been using subcutaneous injections for years to administer vaccines and medications such as diacetylmorphine (like regular morphine except with a longer name). Now let Apple-approved doctors inject you with hours of listening pleasure!

The iPod subcu can be injected into your upper arm, your thigh, your buttocks or just above your waist. It's tiny. It's safe. It's incredibly expensive but you will buy it anyway, even if you already own three iPods. Because you're cool. Aren't you?

Want to know more about the iPod subcu? Here are the details:

Size: You thought the nano was tiny? The 6th generation iPod nano is just hitting stores now. At 37.5 mm x 40.9 mm, it's pretty small. That's one-quarter the size of a half-eaten Kit Kat bar. But compared to the iPod subcu, the nano is a billboard. The subcu is 0.25 mm tall and 0.27 mm wide. To put that in perspective, the iPod subcu is 100 times smaller than 100 iPod nanos. Tiny indeed.

Capacity:The iPod subcu contains 16 GB of flash memory, enough to store 4,000 songs. And not just any songs. The iPod subcu is the first media player that only plays songs by Justin Bieber. More Bieber for you. That's the power of the iPod subcu.

Earphones: Traditional earphones are a pain in the you-know-what. You put them in your pocket and they come out looking like a bird's nest. Who wants to spend several minutes a day untangling wires? Not you, that's who! The earphones for the iPod subcu are surgically implanted right in your ears. Music is transmitted to the earphones wirelessly from the iPod subcu. No more wires! And if your ears become infected within 30 days of surgery, Apple will provide you with a two-week supply of antibiotics -- free of charge (after a $35 deductible).

Body requirements: To be injected with an iPod subcu, you must have a body covered in skin. Also, you must have at least one of the following body parts: arm, leg, torso, buttock.

Display: The iPod subcu has a 10-cm (diagonal) full-colour display with a 240-by-240-pixel resolution. How do we fit a 10-cm display on something smaller than a grain of rice? Through the magic of modern technology, that's how. Family photos, movies, Justin Bieber videos -- everything looks crisper than crackers on this amazing screen. You won't be able to actually see the display, seeing as how it will be buried in your flesh, but it's nice. Real nice. Trust us.

Colours: You like colour? We got colour. The iPod subcu comes in white, silver, red, almond, cadet blue, fervent brass, honeysuckle blast, honeysuckle white, olive shadow, pismo dunes and zinnia gold.

Video recorder: The iPod subcu may be small, but it's not too small for a 1080p high-definition digital video recorder. This recorder has built-in image stabilization, a 16:9 aspect ratio and captures 30 frames per second. Nerd-to-English translation: this thing is awesome. Ever wonder what goes on inside your subcutis (the layer of connective tissue below your dermis and epidermis)? Just hit record and wonder no more.

Battery power: Listen to Bieber for 24 hours straight without recharging the battery. Sound too good to be true? Not with our new static-charge battery. When the battery does need recharging, simply rub a balloon on the skin directly above the iPod subcu for 15 minutes.

Controls: To switch between pictures, videos or playlists (Bieber-fast, Bieber-romantic, Bieber-moderate tempo, etc.), or to access any other of the iPod subcu's many wonderful features, simply tap on the appropriate icon on the multi-touch display. To do this, you will need to pierce your skin with a sewing needle. To avoid infection, we recommend that you disinfect the needle in boiling water after each epidermal penetration. Excessive use of the multi-touch display may result in skin irritation, swearing and bleeding. Band-Aids are not included.