Roger Collier

When he was escorted from his office the day of his layoff ... he was unable to say goodbye to coworkers ... and had to make an appointment the next day so that he could listen to his phone messages. -- New York Times article about Connecticut resident Ennio De Vita, laid off by his employer of 35 years

Y ou are probably all wondering why I called you here today. I'll get to that shortly, but first let me express my gratitude for the many contributions you have made to WikiTekCo Inc. over the years.

This company would have folded long ago if not for your hard work and ingenuity. Some of you have been with us for decades, and I think of you not as employees, but as family.

Now, without further ado, the big announcement -- you've all been terminated and have five minutes to leave the building.

I assure you that management takes no joy in today's announcement. Here at WikiTekCo Inc., we like to say that we value employees more than profits. That's not true, of course, but we still like to say it. There's one thing, however, of which you can be 45-per-cent certain: It will be with a heavy heart that I tee off at Pebble Beach with Warren Buffett later this afternoon.

Before going further, I'd like to thank Gwen Jordan from human resources for preparing the employee-termination script I'm reading to you today. It perfectly captures the slight discomfort management feels about axing 57 loyal employees without warning.

It also explains, in language as clear as the tears now running down your faces, why a right-sizing initiative was necessary for WikiTekCo Inc. to achieve its metric milestones in this turbulent marketplace, while not losing ground on our core competencies.

Kudos, Gwen. You make the scriptwriter of Slumdog Millionaire look like an amateur. I'm sad to see you go.

Some of you appear to be in shock, but, really, there have been signs that this day was coming.

WikiTekCo Inc. has been in the red for some time, and you must have noticed our many attempts to cut expenses. In January, you'll recall, we eliminated all fonts from your word processors except Wingdings. But that didn't work out, and we had to bring back Helvetica and several costly serifs.

This is the part of the script where I sigh and look sad.

OK, moving on. To obtain a severance cheque, you must sign a form promising not to sue WikiTekCo Inc. for wrongful dismissal. You must also state in writing that you will never badmouth the company. Our IT department will be monitoring your Facebook and personal e-mail accounts to ensure compliance.

In addition, to maintain workplace morale, we forbid you from ever speaking with your former co-workers. This will no doubt be painful for those of you married to employees still on staff. To assist you in this difficult transition, divorce lawyers are standing by in the parking lot.

You are not permitted to return to your desks. We have already frozen your network access and disabled your voicemail. Your personal belongings have been placed in small boxes, which have been placed in big boxes, which have been thrown into a dumpster and set on fire. You can make an appointment by phone to return and pick up the ashes anytime between 2:14 a.m. and 2:27 a.m. next Saturday.

Behind me you will notice several large men armed with Tasers, crossbows and sharp rocks. These are the security guards who will escort you to your cars. I thank you, gentlemen, for your assistance. After disposing of these fine folk, you will also be laid off. You'll have five minutes to escort yourselves off the premises.

It is with mild regret that we take away your livelihood -- but we will not take your dignity. To save you the humiliation of seeing former colleagues look upon you with pity, we have provided burlap bags to cover your heads as you exit. The cost of the bags has been deducted from your severance.

In closing: We still think you're great even though we're treating you like criminals; this hurts us more than it hurts you; best of luck; etc. Now, get out. Your five minutes are up. Guards, release the Rottweilers.