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Finally it's here. My favourite time of year. It's not the new NHL season that excites me (not a big hockey fan). It's not the crisp evening air (not a big fan of going outside). It's not even because it means Christmas is almost here (not a big fan of bearded men who sneak into people's homes at night). I love this time of year for one simple reason: because I hate my lawn. I've been battling my lawn ever since I moved to the suburbs. And, I'm sad to say, I'm losing the battle. Badly. My lawn is whipping my butt like a disgruntled dominatrix. No matter what I do, I can't seem to keep my grass healthy. As in, alive. This year has been the worst ever. I have grubs. Over the past month, a grub-loving skunk has been systematically destroying my yard in search of midnight snacks. But now, finally, my lawn has gone dormant. No more lawnmower. No more sprinkler. No more diggy thing for pulling weeds. Even the grubs eventually burrow down beyond reach of desperate skunk claws. I've come to realize, however, that lawns are more than just an annoyance. Lawns are robbing us of our time, our money and, you might be surprised to hear, our health. That is why I think lawns should be banned. But Roger, you ask, don't you think a lush, green lawn is a beautiful thing? But Roger, you ask, don't you enjoy the feel of grass beneath your feet? First of all, I really wish you'd stop asking me so many questions. I only have 700 words or so to make my point here, and you're taking up precious real estate. If you're so anxious to see your words in print, why don't you write your own dang column? Second, whatever pleasures lawns provide are trivial compared to what they cost us. Consider: In 2004, according to Statistics Canada, Canadians spent $6 billion on their lawns. The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency pegs American lawn-care spending at about $30 billion a year. As for consuming our free time, walk down any given suburban street on any given weekend and you'll find people fertilizing or mowing or weeding or aerating or overseeding or watering or otherwise-tending-to their lawns. It's amazing the average Canadian still finds time to watch twenty-some hours of television each week. Of course, time and money are nothing compared to our well-being. And while lawns may be pretty (mine excepted), they can also be deadly. Did you know that lawnmower-related injuries are responsible for 83 per cent of emergency room visits? Did you know that grass is responsible for 74 per cent of fatal allergic reactions? Did you know that fertilizer is responsible for 63 per cent of cases of meningitis? Find these numbers hard to believe? Well, you should; I made them up. Still, I think I've proven my point: Lawns are evil. Perhaps you're a stickler for facts? Fine. Try these on for size: Ankara is the capital of Turkey. The square-root of 3,457 is 58.7963. At room temperature, hydrogen is lighter than any other ionized gas or plasma. Again, my point is clear: Facts are boring. If lawns are banned, what will I put between my deck and my fence? you ask. (Again with the questions!) There are many things we can use to cover our yards besides grass. Why not try AstroTurf? I've always found the muted hue of concrete to be quite lovely. And what's wrong with good old dirt? It is time we rid our country of grass. This vile weed is destroying us. Take action. Rip up your lawn. Throw the wicked sod into the street. If not for yourself, do it for your children. Did you know that grass is responsible for 67 per cent of cases of childhood obesity, 84 per cent of cavities and a whopping 94 per cent of cases of infant pattern baldness? Don't believe me? Look it up for yourself; it's on Wikipedia, under "Effects of Grass on Children's Health." And, yes, it's true that I wrote that Wikipedia entry (five minutes ago), but let's not quibble over details. If you ignore the facts, it becomes clear that lawns, in addition to costing us time and money, may or may not be dangerous to between zero and 100 per cent of adults and children. Are you really willing to take that chance? |